We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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