I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
