I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Randomize
