i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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