Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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