i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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