how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
