Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
