I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
