upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
