there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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