Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
