We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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