I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
