I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Floor bacon is actually really good
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
