I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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