I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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