It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I intend to get homeless drunk
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
