The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
