Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
