If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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