I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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