apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
