just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
