Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize