I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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