I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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