trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Let's paint friendship bongs
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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