so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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