I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
