dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
