you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
