I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Pooping to opera.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
