My entire life is one complicated drinking game
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
