I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
