I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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