Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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