I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
