Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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