Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
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