I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
