I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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