Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
