That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize