if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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