Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
