Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
