She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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