I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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