Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
