Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
You were trust falling into bushes
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
