I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
