my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
