Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
