The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
