Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
