My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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