Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize