Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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