Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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