After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
