my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
