Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Just puked most of my soul out..
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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