At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
