so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Randomize
